Corny collection of beach thoughts

I feel the need to explain the direction that my posts seem to be heading. I realize that my posts are becoming more and more self-involved, focusing on my own transformation and leaving out many details about the actual destinations of my travels. I am trying to travel without fear or trepidation and so I feel I should take the same attitude in expressing myself to whoever it is actually takes the time to read these ramblings. I am back in Bangkok now readying myself for India on the 31st. However rather then a spontaneous burst of writing I have decided to share something I wrote a few days ago while on Koh Samui, which is incredibly sappy and somewhat contrived and overuses the word 'perhaps', but I feel it necessary to share anyway. Also this form of communication gives me the false protection of anonymity because I don't have to be there when you read it.

Now I sit at a simple bamboo table adorned with an orange cloth and small kerosene lamp gazing out over other tables then to the flapping waves coming to a rest on the well worn sand. Sometimes when I am alone it is just the loneliness that consumes me, blinding me from the incredible beauty right in front of my eyes and other senses. I know the fullness of my own life and just how privileged I am to find the time to recognise it, yet there still exists an undeniable emptiness, always that gap eager to be filled. Somehow, even knowing that the gap is just temporary is not enough to satisfy the longing. Such is the nature of human desire, never ceasing in the wakeful mind. Perhaps there is always fear, a fear that the gap will widen never to be satisfied, that causes our hearts to ache. Stopping to feel, really feel, is often so painful it is no wonder that the people who appear the happiest are the laborers, always consumed with their arduous work and never having the time to stop and reflect. Leisure is a luxury and a curse some of the times. When I look at me what do I see? I see a young man grasping to understand the nature of his own existence, caught in a wave of desire and delusion and pressing on into the world and his own mind; confused and distraught, happy and joyously moving forward across the infinite spectrum of the universe. Each moment presents an infinite number of possibilities and stopping to see the multitude of paths at your feet is overwhelming. Perhaps that is why I admire characters like Dean or Mitch because they are never stopping, always moving, somehow knowing that their course is the right course and that stopping to question just stops the process of enjoying and digging life. For them its not the road, but the attitude they take to the road, never blinded by their own minds they press on taking it all in grinning like an idiot all the while. NTC